I’m keenly aware that every family is different. Not everyone has the same experiences raising their children. Also, each of these require much more context and detail than can be written here. These were tools that helped us raise a family of seven, through some of the hardest challenges a family can face. None of these were easy. All of them were worth it.

  1. Call Adults By Titles – Honor thy father and mother, and neighbor and coach and umpire…
    Referring to neighbors and friends of their parents as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Aunt Mary and Uncle Steve, Coach Smith (not “Coach Mike”) is important for the child. It may be awkward for the many adults of my generation who are struggling with the notion that they are now as old as their mothers and fathers… too bad. It shows respect and reenforces for the child that there is an authority figure in the room. The titles are for the benefit of the child not the adults.
  2. Do Not Raise Your Hand – Never, EVER, strike your child
    Don’t ever hit your child. Ever. Not with your hand, not with a wooden spoon, not with a belt, not with the couch or minivan… Just simply don’t raise your hand to your kid in anger. It shows them that you are out of control. It shows them that you are incapable of handling even a child without resorting to violence. It shows them that your lessons about never hitting or kicking someone in their classroom or on the playground are just so much nonsense. Lastly, it gives them the power. It really does. You hit them when they are little. It gets their attention. It may even hurt them and make them cry. They may even do what you want now. For now. But someday, they will not be so little. Someday, your hits will no longer hurt. You now have nowhere to go. You have no place to escalate your anger and disappointment. They have won. You have taught them all of those negatives above, and in the end, they won. Just don’t do it. It makes you weak, and them bitter and angry.
  3. No Timeouts – Reclaim control of your child’s discipline
    This doesn’t mean that you never send them to their room. You do. You simply don’t call it “timeout”. And you don’t put them into any particular time or space. You remove them from time and space. As far as they’re concerned their day is over. You tell them, without any emotion or drama, that when they act that way their day ends. People don’t behave that way with each other so your day will come to an end. That’s hard for parents because your day (or your shopping trip, or your visit to grandma’s) might have to end to. That’s the price of parenting. When you think some arbitrary time has gone by and they have calmed down you can try to reintegrate them into the day. But never identify the time (go sit in the chair for 10 minutes”). Leaving it up to you takes control away from them and lets them know you are in charge.
  4. Beware Travel Ball – No organized sports until the 5th grade
    Be willing to give up the 3rd grade championship in order to ensure that your child has a shot at the 12th grade championship (or even just the 12th grade sports experience!) Travel ball at age 8 is meaningless, needlessly expensive, and frankly, reeks of desperation. Be more secure and let your child be a child. Don’t try to live vicariously through your child’s youth sports career. And don’t try to convince yourself or your spouse that it’s for the sake of the experiences and friendships. It’s not. As a basketball coach I’ve seen first hand too many children ruined by the experience. Just don’t do it. And if anyone tells you they can help your 5th grader make it “to the next level”, run, don’t walk, away.
  5. The Quiet Hour – Thou shalt be quiet for one hour per day
    After dinner each night (See #7) everything is turned off. No TV, cell phones, computers, etc. (for anyone – adults included). If there is homework to be done, do it. If not, read. Period. No questions, no qualifications, no exceptions. Sunday night through Thursday night, do it. Fridays and Saturdays are for fun.
  6. The Power of the Backyard – Provide a backyard (or similar place/experience) for your child
    Give your child the greatest gift you could possibly offer them: a backyard that connects to other kids’ backyards. Invite everyone, teach your kids to say “yes, you can play too” to every kid. Offer them the opportunity to meet new kids, make soon-to-be old friends, argue and resolve, make up new rules to old games, beg to stay out just a little longer, and rejoice in the power that exists in every kid’s backyard.
  7. Childhood Unplugged – Be in control of the devices you pay for
    No cell phones until they have a driver’s license. No social media of any kind until junior year of high school. No computer, television or phone line in the bedroom ever. Keep those things plugged in to a charger overnight in the kitchen or your bedroom. You will experience resistance, from your children and your friends. But you will be amazed at how easy this is. Also, randomly read everything on their phones. Everything. It takes time, but it could literally save their lives.
  8. Family Meetings – Cheesy, but so helpful
    Have them often. Call them randomly. Make them mandatory. If there are serious issues to talk about start with prayer (if you are of faith, otherwise calming words of encouragement), ease into conversations with everyone, get to honesty and open discussion. Make certain everyone has the chance to say everything they want to. Pry, encourage, provide a safe place for candid emotions and expressions. End with humor. These are great ways to announce happy things as well. Like your next vacation, or the new dog you’re going to adopt.
  9. Dinner As a Family – Hard to do, but essential
    Study after study, data upon data, all shows the same thing. Families that eat dinner together at least four times per week have lower risk of obesity, substance abuse, eating disorders, and increased rates of graduation. This goes together with delaying organized sports (especially “travel sports”) and Quiet Hour.
  10. No Curfew – Trust but verify
    They know what time to come home. If they are in the wrong place with the wrong people, four o’clock in the afternoon is their “curfew”. If they are in the right place with the right people, they are welcome to stay out much later. Give them the independence to know when to come home, and then trust them. If they abuse the right, you can always tighten the reigns. The one stipulation is, once your child comes home at night, there is no going back out.

From this parent to all of you parents… Good luck.