Todd Bachman is a divorced dad in Ohio, whose daughter, Brittany, grew up splitting time between her dad, mom and stepdad. Through the years, interactions were often tense between Todd and his daughter’s stepdad, so it was with some trepidation and anxiety that family and friends gathered last fall, on a bright and sunny September day for Brittany’s wedding. As the bride stood nervously at the end of the aisle arm in arm with her biological father, something extraordinary occurred. Todd Bachman stepped away from his daughter’s side, walked over to the man who married his ex-wife – the man who co-parented Brittany for more than ten years – and reached out his hand.
“Come on. Help me walk out daughter down the aisle.”
This simple gesture made national headlines. A man humbled himself, and the world took notice. Nothing was lost, but much was gained. One small step for man, led to one giant leap for blended families.
As a child of divorce, I know that family functions can be plagued by the expectations and interactions of adults who must choose how they will respond to and cooperate with their co-parents (notice I didn’t say their ex-spouse). We can do better for our children, and the overwhelming response to Todd Bachman’s story indicates that we have a deep desire to do so. When headlines are made because a father humbly extends his hand in gratitude to the man who co-parented his child, it speaks volumes about our desperate need for God’s wisdom and intervention.
In order to teach children to love well through broken relationships, we must lay down selfish pride and extend ourselves in gratitude, without fear or resentment, to those who share in the responsibility of raising our children. If we intend to raise children to be loving, humble, God-fearing adults, then let us first become all these, and more. It is our parental obligation to lead by example. The future of their every relationship and the well being of the next generation are at stake.
After ten years of virtual clenched fists, Todd Bachman opened his hand and made redemption possible. The simplicity of this act is compelling. Grab the hand of what may seem like an enemy and speak life. Fight for the good of biological, adopted and step children through surrender. Cease competing for the affections of your children with the very people whom you’ve been assigned to co-parent along side. Never forget, you’re on the same team.
Stories of ordinary men doing extraordinary things are not uncommon and each of us has the power to write our story. Ten years ago, God was writing me into a story that I could have never imagined.
In fall of 2005, in Rochester, Michigan, Matt Kell, husband and father of two young sons, was battling terminal cancer. Knowing his time was short Matt pressed record on his camcorder. Staring straight into the lens he shared a powerful message for his boys.
“After I’m gone, mom may remarry another man. I want you to know that if mom loves that man, I love him too. I know your mom’s values. I know that if she loves and respects someone enough to marry him, then I love and respect that guy too. I expect you boys to love and respect him as if he were me.”
The man turned out to be me. Today, his sons are my sons.
Through this experience, I learned a valuable lesson: Love is not a zero sum game. We need not take love from one person to give love to another. Matt Kell was not threatened by a new love for his wife and sons. He was open to God’s leading and sacrificially granted life-giving permission to his family.
His example is radical for blended families. It’s an acknowledgement that love can restore two broken families, each suffering great loss, by creating a new family. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17 HCSB
Regardless of how a blended family comes into being, if every parent, divorced, widowed, or otherwise, embraces the truth that “We love because he first loved us,” (1 John 4:19 HCSB) we could change the culture of bitterness among broken families and replace it with a culture of redemption and grace. Being confident in the assurance of God’s love for us is a gift we can pass on to our children.
Blended family life is filled with complexities and nuance. When we take our children by the hand and intentionally teach them how to love well, there is hope for the next generation. If God will use dying man and a divorcee of ten years, surely he can and will use you.