My wife Gina is a voracious reader and is always ordering books from Amazon. This works well for me because eventually all of those books find their way to me. While we have similar reading interests, we don’t always love the same titles. If there is an especially good book she’d like for me to read, I will find it casually showing up around the house in places where I can’t help but notice. From time to time Gina will leave all subtlety aside and, as if to say, “Read these!” she will leave a small stack of books front and center on my desk. Recently she did just that gifted me with several books on the topic of blended families.
Being a husband and father in a blended family, I of course was interested in what these experts had to say on the matter. I dove into “How to Create a Strong Stepfamily”, “The Smart Stepfamily”, ”Wisdom on Stepparenting”, and “Stepcoupling”. I actually read one or two of these all the way through (merely skimmed the others) and they all offer sound advice. I only have one fundamental problem with each other them: The use of the word “step”.
I realize that, in order to communicate clearly, authors and speakers must use some word to describe the people about whom they’re writing. And clearly, throughout the last 100 years or so, using “step” is not only easy and quick; it also has the virtue of being genealogically correct.
However, my issue with the use of the word is more in everyday language. The word highlights distinctions that are completely unnecessary. For instance, I was at a youth baseball game recently and a friend whom I haven’t seen in years was there, watching his son play for the opposing team. My friend nodded toward second base and asked, “Is that your stepson?”
I was taken aback for a moment because, while in truth, yes, the second baseman was in fact Gina’s biological son (and therefore my stepson), it just didn’t register. I smiled, cleared my throat a little and corrected him.
“That’s my son, Drew.”
It may seem petty. I recognize that. Yet the use of the word “step” always seems to put an actual step in between family members.
When families begin to consider blending – whether as a result of spouses marrying after deaths (as in our case) or divorce – much care and consideration should be taken to discover just how good a fit this is. Often, families blend simply because the two parents fell in love. While that’s a start, it’s simply not enough.
When families begin to consider blending – whether as a result of spouses marrying after deaths (as in our case) or divorce – much care and consideration should be taken to discover just how good a fit this is. Often, families blend simply because the two parents fell in love. While that’s a start, it’s simply not enough.
Imagine a circle around your immediate family. You, your new spouse-to-be, your kids. That’s Ring #1. Within that ring, there must be absolutely zero disagreement about blending the family. In fact, there needs to be 100% “can’t wait, we must do this now!” attitudes among the members of Ring #1.
Now imagine the next ring out. In laws, aunts and uncles, cousins, and your very closest friends live in Ring #2. There can be some questions from these people, and even a slight amount of “I hope this works…” But for the most part, there must be buy-in. These people must support this new family as their own. The children are now “grandchildren”, not step-grandchildren. If one set of kids call someone “Aunt Lynn”, then all of the kids do too. There will be adjustments. Not everything will remain the same. But there simply must be support and good wishes from all inside of Ring #2.
Anyone outside of Ring #2, including those you know (neighbors, co-workers, etc.) and those you don’t, will have their questions, doubts, and opinions. Thankfully they don’t matter. Don’t allow them to. Explain what you think you must. Correct from time to time. But don’t sweat the small people outside of Ring #2.
For those back in Rings 1 and 2, encourage everyone to allow time to work. New family traditions, sibling relationships, rules, parental roles, etc., all require years to take shape and take root. Family and friends (Ring #2) need to allow your newly formed family to grow organically, without added pressures of their expectations.
Which brings me back to what we call ourselves. We’ve never called ourselves a stepfamily. Our children have never been our stepson or stepdaughter. They are our kids. Period. They call each other “brother” and “sister”, without the qualifier. It seems trivial but over time it matters.
There are plenty of built-in reminders that we are a blended family. (All five of my children do not look alike and my wife’s biological sons still carry their father’s last name.) By adding constant verbal cues highlighting our differences seems to be placing unnecessary space, or steps, between us.
Here are some simple reminders on your way to successful family blending:
- If there are young children still at home, let them lead. Guide them toward the idea of blending, but let them ask for it. Let them lead you there. If they are not 100% in favor of the idea, don’t do it. Nothing will derail a blended family faster than children who are against the idea.
- Comingle everything. Money, friends, vacations, traditions, holidays… Everything. You are not being disrespectful to your former family. You are simply making a new one. Celebrate that.
- Speak in integrated pronouns. Use “we” instead of me. Use “son” and “daughter” without the step prefix.
- Make certain that those in Ring 1 and 2 are all on board and support your decision before you move forward with blending your family.